Let Me Crawl

Verse 1

I grew up in a trailer park About a block from the church where they taught us to lock Eyes on the prophet Hope to prosper Hold the iron rod Pray that God–– answers

Then dad got cancer He was burdened with a debt no man could handle No amount of food cache (or) laying on of hands Was enough to mend the finances

I stopped tithing and kept that nickel The tooth fairy hides under my pillow And when I was little One time I spotted A $50 dollar bill chillin’ on top of the

Sidewalk As I walked home with my aunt I'd never seen as much green as that Thought I was tripping I picked it up, stoked Skipping to go Buy bubble gum on my own But then

Aunt Shelene snatched it from me, and she Took it to a nearby grocery And gave it to a man who claimed he dropped it And my heart plummeted to the pit

Of my stomach But I don’t blame her one bit, no She was just trying to teach me integrity As if money didn’t mean everything

I didn’t listen or get the lesson I just hurled my Slurpee into the trash can My hands soaking with sweat, face red Object of my worship suddenly set

I came to believe My esteem as a human being Was based primarily on one thing The dollars I’m holding Now I’m stuck here hoping

Chorus

I’d rather fall And lose it all Than catch myself In the same old hell

Verse 2

During sacrament The bishop said In heaven I would get All my wishes But to wait Til death To be rich is Not something this kid Was willing to live with

This thirst, an obsession I dropped out of school by midsemester I deserted my dream to shred guitar and sing And serve The Word to spread positive change

Fuck change, I wanted bucks, and I’d burn No matter what was put in my way, I just had to earn Every red bill heaven or hell could send to me I had to find a way to show everybody

I was worth something That I could be somebody I could prove to everybody who thought I was a nobody That nobody can own me with all the money that I’m ownin’ Disown em

So I found a way to make people ATMs Exploit their aches to be young again Slingin’ product with claims I couldn’t fulfill And hock 'em at a high price until it filled

My Wells Fargo I was sellin’ snake oil Before I even had a driver’s ID my morality was spoiled rotten on the greed-infested topsoil

What’s sick - is I knew the truth And right thing to do But my sins continued Never meant to stoop to making cents at others’ expense The move made no sense to my incensed conscience

Unconscionable Every transaction took a toll on my soul As I cashed in checks My bankrupt ethics went unchecked Until I had nothing left

Chorus

I’d rather fall And lose it all Than catch myself In the same old hell

I'd rather stay In this empty place Then find myself Winning the wrong game

Verse 3

So I got the big dumb house Yeah, I got the fancy car I got the wall of guitars, traveled afar 8-course meals in hotels with 5-stars

God, I worked hard And for what? This stuff Childish To feel above All the people I conned The scars that I got The time that I lost What a cost For a hollow cause

Drinking One glass, two glass, three (nightly) Nothing that I fought for means a goddamn thing Numbing reality: moribund integrity More abundant than ever in self-loathing

That night, nine drinks deep Pushing one-fifty, take a peek In the rearview mirror See who I’ve become This man right here? Nowhere to run

These messages about money making my matter matter massively deranged me And though I’m madder than ever it doesn’t matter ‘cause I know that I can never erase history Epiphany

(I) hit the brakes, pull over Idle on the shoulder Cars fly by, fast as my life My best years, like screeching tires Blown out, burnout, on the roadside

I realize This ain’t the end of the road My story can turn on a dime Where do I go without chasing gold? I dunno your guess – as good as mine

But there’s gotta be a better way to ride Than living by the dirty dollar and then dying Right? Recognize the gift of being alive Slowly shift focus

Life is enough, everything else is a bonus